Dear Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson…

I can’t fucking believe I have to say this again, but celebrities shouldn’t get to be president.

Being the Motherfucking President of the United States isn’t a fucking joke, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I know you’re reading this.

In my first post on this blog I posited that celebrities who ran for president, with no experience in public office or service are sideshows, that the news media in-turn re-frames their candidacy as serious viable candidates.

Well, I’ve opened this field up to include wrestlers, which I honestly thought didn’t need stating.

If you’re listening, Dwayne, and I know you read my stuff: You don’t want to be the President.

It’s how you get Donald J. Trump, former reality show host of The Apprentice, one time wrestler, as the President of the United States.

It’s a lot of work and you wouldn’t be able to schedule your 5,000 calorie a day diet to maintain your ripped physique. People would call you far worse than a “candy ass.

You’ll be working 18-2o hour work days.

You won’t have your trailer to fallback to when the director calls cut for lunch. Because the President of the United States never gets a fucking lunch break.

If you haven’t noticed already, but I’ve hot-linked any instance of President of the United States  (see?) in this text to the Wikipedia page for the office. Because like I said, this job isn’t a fucking joke.

It’s a lot of responsibilities, if you can’t tell already.

You may be wondering what stick’s up my ass and why I’m such a stickler for formalities but it’s simple: I’ve seen Mike Judge’s Idiocracy and it could be our future, if it isn’t already…

I saw this film about a decade ago and it’s psychologically scarred me for life, because it could happen…

Here’s a quick recap if you haven’t seen this film, Dwayne: Society devolves in 500 years time, when the stupid outnumber the smart and they can’t figure out that sports drinks are no substitute for watering crops and that towing cables won’t save a structurally decaying skyscraper.

Oh, and a former porn-star/wrestler, named Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Terry Crews) is the President of the United States.

And in case you can’t tell already, people in this speculative-future name their children after soda and junk food. I told you this film is fucking bananas and I’ve barely scratched the surface…

In closing, Dwayne, please don’t file the paperwork to run for president in 2020. Because people might take you seriously.

And we can’t lower the bar for eligibility anymore than we collectively already have for Trump. The office and the people deserve better than that, even if they don’t think they do…


Time to Pull Out a Dictionary, M’kay?

Your life happens in phases.

When the grass is greener, you find amusement from crude double entendres, of related images compiled in a certain way to create something else entirely, usually something vaguely sexual. But, then you wake up one day, you realize everyone does it and they’re significantly less clever than they think.

In other words, the marketing team behind the Baywatch film poster are a bunch of bro-morons.

In case you can’t already tell, they arranged the beach balls and rescue board on the poster so that they resemble an erect penis and testicles.

Or as they probably phrased it in the pitch meeting, “How about we shape the beachballs and surfboard into a cock ‘n’ balls, brah?”  Ho ho.

I can’t remember when this crude innuendo-based marketing got popular, but it hasn’t been long. Maybe in the last three or four years. Coincidentally, this is also when a generation of Millennials hit their twenties and, fresh from the fraternities, probably hitched it at a prestigious advertising house.

The only example that springs immediately to mind is, “Rock Out With Your Glock Out,” which Google tells me belongs to the 2010 “comedy” Cop Out. The theory almost holds.

Sometimes I despair at the state of the world, how the world prefers instant gratification as opposed to properly set-up jokes and payoffs. But, really all I ask of the world is that they think before they speak. They might even like what they say.

Groucho Marx was the master of the double entendres. Watch any compilation of his comedic work. Even if you’ve seen Duck Soup half a dozen times, his punchlines always land yet are never obvious.

Let’s Make Double Entendres Great Again.

Dear Cable News Directors…

Angela Rye through discourse convincing Joe Walsh he's a bigot. a

You’ve had your fun with the talking-head roundtable “discussions” on your 24-hr news networks. Now it’s time for them to die, screaming in agony.

To put it another way, just because you can create three splitscreens appear on a television screen, doesn’t mean that you should. People say that the world doesn’t need any more lawyers, I disagree.

What society really don’t need anymore of is political commentators. Especially paid political commentators. What does a political commentator do when they’re not yelling at a screen, of an avatar who is not really there, anyway? Jet-ski? Read a book?

And this isn’t a partisan issue.

Nothing ever gets resolved on these damn segments and everyone will continue not to communicate with each other long after. Can you readily admit any such segment on CNN or HLN where five random people yell at each other for 12 minutes has ever accomplished anything?

Tucker Carlson hasn’t changed for as long as he’s been known to political junkies on TV for past 20 years. And surely he will continue act smug and drown out any fool with belligerence, just as sure as the sun will rise and set everyday, for the next 20 years, too. Same goes for Ed Schultz, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Al Sharpton, Rachel Maddow and every other talking head to appear on cable news.

One of the best moments of television ever, wasn’t from The Sopranos or Breaking Bad, but when whatever EP or scheduler foolishly booked Jon Stewart to appear on CNN’s talk-news debate show Crossfire in late 2004. They expected him to play nice-nice with political hacks/pundits Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson. He did not.

I’ve never such an elegant takedown done on the fly. Stewart charms and disarms when he tells the two that their show is hurting America and public discourse. Even when his delivery is couched in a joke, there’s a uncomfortable truth beneath the surface.

Judging the clip alone, Begala and Carlson genuinely believe their show, in which pundits from the Left and Right yell at each other for 30 minutes for spectator sport soothes the partisan divide in this country.

A few months later Crossfire was off the air. Sometimes two events are automatically associated with another, despite no causation of such. But, in this case, I truly believe CNN looked themselves in the mirror and got an icky, clammy feeling come over them.

Just as Mark Burnett is eventually gonna have to answer to Jesus for accidentally elevating Donald Trump’s specter to President of the United States through The Apprentice, Ted Turner is gonna have to do the same for creating CNN, the first 24-hour news network with all the time for information and news, but still wound up with less of it…

Six Impossible News Articles Before Breakfast

Last week, I kept seeing news items about rumors of various famous people contemplating running in the 2020 Presidential Election. Oprah Winfrey was rumored to run one day and the next Bob Iger, the CEO of Disney, was thinking the same.

Celebrities are always in hot-water for expressing a political stance (A policy, I personally don’t understand, but that’s a blog post for another day.) but when some of them run for public office, people are suddenly perfectly okay with it.

With all due respect to Ms. Winfrey and Mr. Igor, I don’t want them to run for president.

As an adult, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s term as the freakin’ Governor of California may have ruined celebrities holding public office for me. I loved the surreal concept of his election when I was 12 years old, but eventually you realize there are enough adolescents voting in this country as it is.

I’m not through and through opposed to this idea (Look no further than Senator Al Franken), I hold onto the promise of democracy in electing the best people for the job, who aren’t necessarily celebrities. Again, Al Franken.

Truth be Told, I look at celebrities deciding to run for office as a sideshow. It really is.

Fame is a dangerous amplifier of visibility and a conflation with comprehension of complex issues. And being famous gives you a headline every time you speak. Someone like Donald Trump is a dangerous testament to the power of the uniquely ignorant speaking to his own.

Furthermore, if you’re famous, you effectively steal the limelight, and votes, from candidates of more competent merit. Jeb Bush dropped out because he couldn’t compete with Trump’s cable news coverage. Trump may or may not hate CNN but they were the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

I’m a traditional guy. America is a grassroots nation. It’s in our DNA. There’s a man or woman out there, with a few thousand in donations and a handful of true believers, driving around in 10-year old SUV, getting votes by going door to door and wearing out the rubber on their shoes.

That’s more irresistible than ever in a nation blinded by the haze of hysterical partisanship and money.