You know those moments, stealing a moment to yourself. Going on your phone swiping left or right on strangers based on a few vague pieces of information they’ve provided for disclosure.

Such information is inadequate in determining if this person is right for you. Humans are inherently poor communicators, and it shows up in places like Facebook comments and especially on dating sites.

Dating sites opine that they’re taking the hustle out of dating and networking, but they end up making it more competitive by removing the physical person for a couple words and some subpar headshots.

I’ve used dating applications for about two and a half years and I find myself more prejudicial than when I started. Most people swipe left based on a few criteria. A virulent strain of snobbery and preconceived notions run deep in my family so it compounds how I engage these profiles and people.

So based on no statistical data, and solely judging a couple thousand profiles, here are my sets of hyper-subjective standards that I’ve adopted during my tenure of these sites:


Snapchat’s Animal Filters

First question, why do young women use Snapchat?

Second question, why do they need to post inane photos of them using the application’s various animal filters to their profiles? You’ve seen these stupid filters before.

They give their users animal ears, dog noses and, in the absence of all rational thought, big computer-generated eyes. If you encountered these visions while you slept, you’d classify them as nightmares or a bad trip, but in the real world, they’re cute, I guess..

Actor Thomas Middleditch posts these insipid filters distorting his face on Instagram account all the time. But he’s a comedian, so he’s allowed to post this content with the agreement with his audience, “You know, this stuff is stupid right? Also, you really shouldn’t presume this shit is cute by itself and a come on to the opposite sex…”

I simultaneously love and hate this character. Can't stop using this filter as a weird little flirty hell minion.

A post shared by Thomas Middleditch (@tombini) on

You wouldn’t post one of those FaceApp transformations to a dating profile, so why is permitted to do the same for these filter photos?

Whenever I see a woman post such photos, I presume that I’ve given it more thought than they did…

Duck Face

Ladies, no one wants to see this photo. Ducks have big beaks, why would you want to look like them?

This is another one of those red flags I see all the time because it gives me every reason to believe that this person isn’t gonna pull the same weight intellectually with me. Either way, this is an unattractive look no matter how you shake it…

donald-trump-duck-face
Donald Trump has done this expression before so I rest my case…

Bad Camera Angles & Conceptualized Shots

People often like me on these applications didn’t regard the photos before they uploaded them. I like funny photos. Wholesome photos. Witty photos. Stunning professional close ups.

But I can’t set aside photos with bad camera angles, low-lit, unflattering posed shots, with their tongues hanging out.

Again, there’s the presumption that if you can’t pick a decent photo of yourself, especially one that’s shot in low-light, then what does that say about you?

We’re not all George Clooney but we should market ourselves to the world with the confidence and the presentation of that man…

Excessive Tattoos

One or two small tattoos are indicative of a slaved-over, agonized decisions: what’s the best tattoo to reflect on the situations you’ve experienced for the spiritual journey across India or whatever, where’s the best place to place it/hide it.

These are decisions made about a piece of artwork that’ll be on your epidermis for the rest of your life, give a take a few painful tattoo removal sessions.

This is how the process would unfold, if I were to decide to get a tattoo (which will never happen). I can’t imagine it being much different for woman but I don’t know anything.

More often than not I see women who are covered in these damn things, which often looks like a artist who sketched all over a drunk, passed out person at a party because there wasn’t any spare paper lying around. This, I’m almost certain, is the premise of Blindspot.

Not too long ago, getting a tattoo used to signify you’re weren’t willing to be boxed in by the illogical expectations of society. You were a rebel.

Now, every chic, upscale clothing supplier uses models who are all tatted up, so the mainstream has appropriated that image into oblivion. And they’ve appropriated the appropriators.

Whenever I see too many tattoos clustered on one body part of another human, it says, at least to me, that that person has bad impulse control issues.

Guns And “Prizes”

This is low on the list because, like every young red-blooded American male, I sometimes possess a overwhelming desire to drive out to the shooting range, rent a cool looking pistol and shoot the shit out of paper targets.

(Or if you’re in the middle of the desert, like me, drive 30 minutes to nowhere and shoot the empty beer bottles people have left behind.)

Sometimes behind the privacy of a quiet room I strike a James Bond gun barrel pose in the mirror, because why not?

But, really where I take issue is when I see pictures of women posing with semi-automatic weapons is the presumption that they thought this shot was integral to their personality enough to post to a dating site.

Double for the rarer occasion when a female hunter posts a shot with the still-warm carcass of an animal they’ve killed.

I have the same reaction to that as I do whenever I see profiles of some girl snapping a shot of her taking a hit off a weed pipe, put that shit down.

Photos of Nature and Inanimate Objects

“You’re an inanimate fucking object!”

These are nice photos of the landscape from your last vacation and bedroom but I want to see what you look like.

If you’re being coy about joining a dating site, then you really shouldn’t be on a dating site…

Reposted Memes In Lieu Of Real User Photos

You’re almost or am an adult, you should really have a photo of yourself. Again, you’re on a dating site.

I really don’t want to see whatever stale meme you’ve shared on Instagram. I can always the sense the trite and ridiculous memes, by the distorted pixelation that forms around the text of images when an image has been saved or screencapped a few dozen times.

This is such a grating bush-league mistake that even OkCupid has my back on this


The good news about discovering these pet peeves about other women on these dating sites is that if you’re willing to look inward, at least to me, you have a better perception of not only myself, but also what traits you’ll seek in the companionship of others, not to mention a partner.

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